


Finding the Time to Say the Words

by WindStainedDreams



Series: Like Calls to Like (And Bonds Us All) [3]
Category: The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Alina tries to be a good friend, Canonical Character Death, Confessions, F/F, F/M, Femslash February, Femslash February 2017, Spoilers, one-sided relationships, unrequited feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-23 06:31:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9644486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WindStainedDreams/pseuds/WindStainedDreams
Summary: She clung to every moment with Marie, hoping that if she held on to the details long enough, hard enough, maybe they’d last longer.Maybe then, the moments wouldn't hurt so much.





	

 

 

Nadia followed the figure with her eyes, staying by the samovar and sipping her glass of tea.  Nadia had been in training with Marie for years now and the other Summoner was hardly a stranger.  Nadia didn’t know why she felt as if that were the case now, since they’d grown up together in the Little Palace and its school.  But there was something that was keeping them apart lately. 

 

Marie didn’t seem to notice or care.  She was her usual bubbly, superior self.  Every time Zoya came by and smiled at them, pretended to care, Marie smiled back.  When they went to the _banya_ , or into town to buy new dresses for the balls, when they were fit for new _kefta_ , when they spent time studying the newest styles of hair or were down at the lake practicing their summoning, Marie held court, going along with everyone else, trying to fit in, climb higher.  Nadia followed along, content to be in Marie’s shadow. 

 

Usually content.  Not anymore. 

 

Now, Nadia found it harder than ever to smile to Zoya’s face, to pretend like in a couple of years they wouldn’t see war.  Be separated from one another.  She clung to every moment with Marie, hoping that if she held on to the details long enough, hard enough, maybe they’d last longer.  Maybe then, the parting would be less painful. 

 

Nadia tried hard not to think about the fact that maybe it was because her best friend had started to talk about the boys they were training with.  When Marie sat on her bed in the evening, braiding her hair so that the strands wouldn’t tangle, she’d started mentioning how handsome Petry was, or how strong Gregor looked in combat training.  Nadia didn’t know what to say, so she simply kept agreeing with Marie, offering tiny, meaningless comments in all the right places. 

 

“You’re just saying Sam’s pretty because that’s what I said!” Marie accused one night, when Nadia had been busy admiring the way the candlelight burnished Marie’s braid and made it glow a faint caramel.  The vague hums she’d been saying must not have satisfied Marie, because the Inferni actually seemed to focus on Nadia for once.  The brown eyes were unnervingly piercing as they gazed at the Squaller.  Nadia could feel the blush crawling up her cheeks, tinting her pale skin pink. 

 

“Of course Sam’s pretty; otherwise you wouldn’t be making eyes at him!” Nadia defended.  Marie scoffed and tossed one of her pillows at Nadia, who raised her hands in time to block the pillow, sending it back into Marie’s face with a gust of air. 

 

“Cheater!  You know I can’t summon without hurting you!” and Marie lunged with the pillow in hand, intent on claiming victory over Nadia.  They giggled and ran around the room, Nadia snagging another pillow, chasing each other until the dorm leader had to come and remind them to get into bed as if they were still children at the school. 

 

Marie never asked Nadia who she found pretty, or handsome or charming, and Nadia hoped it would stay that way for a long time to come. 

 

*****

 

Rumour had it that the Darkling had found the Sun Summoner, and that he was bringing them to the Little Palace.  The entire city was abuzz, and Nadia barely had time for her own lessons, put to work with the other Grisha in cleaning the halls of the Little Palace night and day as if they didn’t have servants already doing all the cleaning.  There was no news about when the Darkling would arrive, and so the floors were scrubbed each day, inspections on the cleanliness of their rooms stricter, doubled.  The lawns were maintained by the careful burn of Inferni fire, and even the young Grisha at the school were put to work cleaning and repairing their own building. 

 

Marie and Nadia still ate together, took their lessons together, but Nadia was so exhausted that she often begged for sleep and left Marie to her own devices in the evenings.  When the news came that the Sun Summoner was a girl, and would need a room prepared, Nadia offered to do the job, as it would at least be on the same floor as her room, and let her sneak a nap if she was smart.  It had taken hours to clean the dust out of the room, but Nadia felt like it was worth it when she could go nap for an hour before dinner and no one questioned where she’d been. 

 

When the day finally arrived and Nadia caught her first real glimpse of the Sun Summoner, she felt her breath leave her lungs on a sigh.  Marie was beside her, already muttering about how plain and ordinary the girl looked, and how old she was to be joining them instead of going to the school.  But Nadia’s eyes were not drawn to the shimmer of gold in her hair, or the pink of her lips that didn’t do enough to hide the utter plainness of her appearance.  It was her eyes, somehow so haunted already, that shone with curiosity and fear and determination that held Nadia’s gaze a moment.  Alina Starkov could be truly stunning, if she was actually healthy, but Nadia could see the weariness, perhaps even some kind of illness underneath the shine.  She felt for the new girl, for that was ultimately what Alina was. 

 

Nadia followed Marie as she dashed forward to draw Alina in, fighting off the posturing of the Corporalki that were trying to claim her.  Even knowing Alina, possibly one of the most powerful Grisha of all time, was standing next to them, Nadia wouldn’t have noticed her if she was screaming that the world was on fire, her eyes fixed on Marie’s warm smile and bright eyes. 

 

*****

 

Alina became a regular in their small group, and Nadia realized that maybe she was more obvious than she thought she was.  The usual evening conversations full of gossip and rumours spread to the table in the main hall and Marie proclaimed her inside knowledge of various scandals for Nadia and Alina to listen to.  Alina played the part of attentive listener as poorly as Nadia, until it became obvious that romance was not a topic to be broached with the Sun Summoner.  It did not stop Marie from swooning dramatically over a rotation of Corporalki and Etherealki, however, and even Alina would tease her sometimes about her latest infatuation.  Nadia sat through those conversations quiet as ever, and hoped that now that there was someone else to talk to; Marie would be even less inclined to suddenly ask about Nadia’s own interests. 

 

One evening, they’d finally managed to convince Alina to join them in Marie’s room for more gossip, and the three girls sat around trying to decide on the merits of the various boys that were living with them in the Little Palace.  Marie kept on about this or that trait, and who exemplified it best, but Nadia was too aware of being watched to hum in the right places.  Luckily Alina managed enough interaction for the both of them.  Nadia blushed.  Normally, there wouldn’t be anyone around to catch her staring at Marie. 

 

Marie eventually kicked them out, saying that she needed her beauty sleep, and Alina turned to her before they parted ways. 

 

“Don’t worry, Nadia.  I won’t tell her.  But maybe you should.”

 

Nadia flushed and felt a wave of dizziness wash over her.  _Oh Saints, Alina_ knew.  The Squaller didn’t have time to contemplate what it could mean for her, because Alina was already down the hall, closing the door to her room softly. 

 

_I can tell her.  I can do it.  I can say it.  I can._

 

A tiny seed of hope, as if kissed by the first rays of spring sunlight, started to grow in Nadia’s heart.  Maybe, maybe she’d have a chance to actually tell Marie.  Having Alina’s support meant a lot to her, and her step was light as she went to bed. 

 

*****

 

Nadia kept putting it off, hoping that some other time when she was alone with Marie would be better than this one she was in right now.  Every time Marie started talking about her crushes, Nadia hoped she’d be asked.  She didn’t know if she could just say it, but if Marie asked… Maybe then the words would come easier.  Nadia didn’t know why she was surprised that now that she wanted Marie to ask, she never did.  Living in fear of Marie asking about Nadia’s crushes changed to fearing she’d never _be_ asked.   

 

Nadia practiced what she could say in front of her little mirror at her dressing table.  She practiced being subtle, mentioning perhaps that she found girls more interesting to look at, or that it wasn’t strong arms she was looking for.  Sometimes, Nadia dared to think about what it might be like to simply get up, take hold of Marie and feel her lips underneath her own.  Those thoughts always left a blush on her cheeks and a tingle under her skin.  Nadia could never look Marie in the eye after imagining her lips. 

 

No matter which way she practiced, whenever she was with Marie, none of it mattered.  Nadia couldn’t say the words.  She couldn’t reach out and grab the blue sleeve with red cuffs, stop Marie from talking about another of the boys.  She just couldn’t find a way to tell her. 

 

Alina did her best to help, but her lessons were so separate from the rest of the older Grisha that Nadia rarely saw her without Marie at their side.  There was no chance that Nadia would risk Marie finding out some other way, so they didn’t discuss the topic, instead focusing on whatever gossip Marie was spreading. 

 

There would be time enough. 

*****

 

The first time Nadia had seen Marie and Sergei openly cuddling next to a tile oven, Alina had asked her if she was alright.  Nadia pretended it was because she had not yet eaten, but Alina followed her gaze and a small, sad, knowing smile touched her lips before she bit it back. 

 

Nadia said nothing, focusing on her soup, but she couldn’t shake the disappointment, or the sadness, that haunted her every time she looked up and saw Marie in the Heartrender’s arms. 

 

*****

 

When Alina came back, when they were fighting side by side and Nadia had a purpose, when she had something else to focus on, it hurt less to see Marie taking full advantage of the mingling Alina had encouraged among the Orders. 

 

The nightly gossip meetings in Marie’s room happened less often now, especially if Sergei wasn’t on guard duty.  Nadia redoubled her efforts to master summoning, and helped train Adrik in their spare afternoons so that they could prove to Alina that he belonged there with them at the Little Palace.  She was doing anything, everything, just to ignore the fact that she still couldn’t say it.  Adrik knew, the poor kind lad, and in his simple, young way, just kept telling her to go up to Marie and say it.  Nadia didn’t have the heart to explain to him why it wasn’t so simple. 

 

Then the Darkling came. 

 

*****

 

Weeks later, huddled in a dark cave, holding the ceiling up with the force of the air she was controlling, Nadia started to cry silently.  Alina looked at her, barely losing focus on the tiny speck of light she was using to light the digging effort, and raised a tired brow. 

 

“I never told her.  I just couldn’t and now…”

 

“Oh Nadia,” Alina sighed, wishing she could offer Nadia the comfort she needed.  But there was nothing she could do for either of them anymore.  Not for this. 

 

Nadia gave Alina a small smile though her tears and refocused on holding up the ceiling, giving her friends more air to breathe, doing what she could to keep them all standing. 

 

Even if all she wanted to do was let the darkness consume them all.  

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Week 1 (Scenario) – Character A wants to confess to Character B but isn’t sure how to go about it. 
> 
> Femslash February Week 1 prompts are now done, moving on to Week 2. 
> 
> Nadia being in love with Marie and never saying anything is my headcanon, but as always I'd love to hear from you any thoughts you have on this subject or the fic either here or [ on my Tumblr! ](https://tinbramblearts.tumblr.com)


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